*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
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My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Saving my good tweets for marriage
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Tell the colonel to bring it
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.