@wesleybordelon: Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
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@Eightinchgoat: When I get a call from an unknown number I answer by whispering: "It's done, but there's blood everywhere!"
@CatherineLMK: Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what's going on and you just nod
@Notawhiner: Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her "good morning solar eclipse" Yeah, don't do that.
@lilgapeach30: If I had a dollar for every time I heard "grow up!" I could buy a seriously awesome security system to keep doody heads out of my fort.