Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
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Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Wait a minute…