Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
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me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”