Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
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I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?