@DontTouchMyWine: Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight's dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
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@daemonic3: Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad? "I don't know, how would I know?" GF: I'm pregnant! "Hi Pregnant, I'm... OH MY GOD I'M READY"
@envydatropic: Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
@stevevsninjas: [driving date home] me: where do I drop you off? her: here is fine me: you live on the beach? her: *walks into sea*
@FudgeRobot: Sometimes when I'm about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I'm a wizard.