Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
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How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
this article brought to you by lions
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
🤣🤣🤣
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”