@UncleDuke1969: Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
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@internetluke: [leaving HS reunion w/ date] Aren't you going to ask why everybody was calling me 'smelly boy' tonight? "Seemed pretty clear I thought"
@jus4golf: 15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar. How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
@WheelTod: Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid's face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.