*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
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Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Terribly Tuesday.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
My safe word is Worcestershire
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
This was the best day of my life
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.