*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
You Might Also Like
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?