(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
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Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.