[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
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10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well