[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
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My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Florida be like…
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.