[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
You Might Also Like
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do