[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
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I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids