*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
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*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.