Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
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CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*