groan^2
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[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?