[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
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People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
Warm pools make me nervous.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
This is always good for a laugh.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Covid like
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?