[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
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Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Birds & Planes.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.