Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
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The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything