*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
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My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.