GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
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No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Warm pools make me nervous.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?