*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
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I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*