*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
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Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake