*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
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Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it