*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
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“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around