*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
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Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.