*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
You Might Also Like
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.