*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
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Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
choose your gary
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?