*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
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*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.