*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
You Might Also Like
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.