*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
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The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Very problematic
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.