*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
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ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)