What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
You Might Also Like
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Worst Native American name ever.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!