I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
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I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer