*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
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I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.