*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
You Might Also Like
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?