*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
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I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
wow
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
I’m confused about plants
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte