Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
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An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.