Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
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date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.