Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
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In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?