wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
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What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
The “research” scene in every horror movie
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.