Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
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@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.