[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
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Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Perfect.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.