@Christi_Q: Star Wars has given me unrealistic expectations of who my father is.
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@jonnysun: there was a girl on tv show who was crying sayin "i miss america" and it was real sad until someone corected her grammar and gave her a sash
@DosieDoe: US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
@marinarachael: My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don't have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
@mattingebretson: Whenever I see someone with a non-reusable water bottle I get a gun and shoot a nearby animal and say "you did that"