Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
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Since I鈥檓 not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
I hate when I鈥檓 on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
it鈥檚 not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman鈥檚 head*
Me: not like that
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
I鈥檝e met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 馃槶馃槶
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”