I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
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TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
is this how new cars are made??
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.