@iLikeCatShirts: Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
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@BuckyIsotope: [deathbed] Son….come closer “Yes dad?” We need a new man of the house “I’d-” *presses fake mustache into his hands* Give this to your sister
@jackiembouvier: Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
@kelownagoose: Bought 17 a fanny pack for back to school to delay my becoming a grandfather too early.
@JKNenagh: My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night