Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
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I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Catering service
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.