Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
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Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.