Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
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Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
necessity is the mother of invention
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Seems a bit forward
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.