There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
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DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.