Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
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No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
What an awful time to have common sense.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures